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Why You Feel the Way You Feel (And What Your Brain Is Actually Doing)

Imagine you wake up in the morning and before you've even made your coffee, your brain has already started its mental gymnastics. Everything you said wrong yesterday. The thing you forgot to do. The low-grade sense that you're behind in life, on life, on yourself, on the invisible standards you know are all around you.

You feel like an alien, you must be the only person with a brain like this? You’re not. It's neurological, and it’s psychological, and biological, to say it simply, what happens in the mind, happens in the brain’s wiring, what happens in the brain’s wiring happens in the body, in all directions, they all effect each other.

And once you understand that, everything starts to make a little more sense.

Your brain has a negativity bias, and it's not your fault

Tens of thousands of years ago, the humans who survived were the ones who noticed danger fast and remembered it longer. The ones who lingered on the fun stuff? They got eaten.

That survival wiring is still running in the background of your modern brain. Negative experiences stick like velcro. Positive ones slide off like teflon. It's not a character flaw, it's our survival mechanisms. Positive Psychology research shows that it is 3:1 - 5:1 ratio ie. it takes between 3-5 positive experiences in a day to undo, in our emotional memories 1 negative - and that’s only referencing normal day to day stuff, like someone holding the open for you, versus someone ignoring you or cutting you off on the round-a-bout.

When we include actual danger in these scenarios, it won’t be undone without supporting the process, the nervous system will (and should) collect and store data on that experience. To keep you safe in the future, to remind you to pass the knowledge on to your children, etc.

But here's the thing. Understanding why your brain does this gives you real power to work with it rather than against it. Because necessary as it is when the danger is real, the nervous systems ability to filter out ‘possible’ danger from ‘probable’ danger is pretty limited.

And it's also worth knowing that the antidote isn't relentless positivity, in fact, toxic positivity can quietly get in the way of genuine wellbeing. Working with your brain means making space for the full picture, not just the bits you prefer. There's a concept in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy called fusion, where you become so attached to a thought or feeling, even ones you’re trying to prevent - (don’t think about a red ballon) , that you can't separate yourself from it. Trying to force positivity over the top of that is a bit like trying to stop a boulder rolling downhill holding it up.

What do you now? You’re fused to the boulder. [We explore this, and what to do instead, in our article on anxiety and the tools that actually help. link to anxiety article]

Meet your happy chemicals

Beneath every mood, every moment of motivation or flatness, every flicker of connection or loneliness, there are four key neurochemicals quietly running the show.

Dopamine is your motivation and reward chemical. It's what gets you out of bed with a sense of purpose. When it's depleted, everything feels pointless, even things you used to love.

Serotonin is the quiet hum of contentment and self-worth. It stabilises your mood and underpins that steady sense that you matter and belong.

Oxytocin is released through safe connection, with people, animals, even yourself. Isolation depletes it fast, which is why loneliness hits so physically.

Endorphins are your body's natural painkillers, released through movement, laughter, and physical sensation. They create that rare, effortless sense of wellbeing that's hard to manufacture but easy to recognise.

When these chemicals are depleted through chronic stress, burnout, disconnection, or simply the relentless pace of modern life, you feel it. Flat, foggy and not quite yourself.

The good news is that these chemicals are far more accessible than most people realise. Small, intentional actions, things that fit into a real life, without needing to overhaul it entirely, can genuinely shift the balance. One simple place to start is learning to notice your glimmers - the small, everyday moments that signal safety and ease to your nervous system. This article on glimmers and triggers is a good place to explore that further. Remember that ‘small things make big change’.

Affirmations aren't just positive thinking

One of the most underestimated tools for supporting your neurochemistry is also one of the simplest. When you repeat a positive, present-tense statement with intention, your brain releases dopamine. Over time, consistent practice supports serotonin regulation, helping to build that quiet, steady sense of self-worth that the negativity bias so reliably erodes.

This isn't the same as wishful thinking. It needs to feel true! An example is that I used to work in an eating disorder clinic and run group coaching sessions and inevitably I would have at least one woman say to me ‘yes I read about affirmations in xyz magazine and I tried it. I would stand in front the mirror each day and tell myself I am beautiful’ - now, I am not saying she isn’t beautiful, but I am saying it didn’t work because she didn’t believe it, so it activated her inner critic - a more beneficial approach would be to find something more neutral that can be agreed upon and believed, “I like my hair today” or even really small, ‘I like the shape of my finger nails’ - and you build upon these true things. It's how neural pathways are built: through repetition, visibility, and consistent messaging, not the actual content so much.

If you want to explore this further, my PDF resource, Learn How To Access Your Happy Chemicals, walks through each chemical in plain language, with practical strategies and printable affirmation cards you can actually use. [Get it here for $9.]

It's also worth noting that for many people, the flatness and disconnection described above isn't just stress or a rough patch. Sometimes it's the quiet aftermath of trauma. If that resonates, this piece on the realities of trauma recovery might be worth a read alongside this one.

Where to start

You don't need a complete life overhaul. You need a framework for understanding what's happening beneath the surface, and a handful of genuinely accessible practices to start shifting the balance, one small moment at a time.

Because your brain is more changeable than you think. And you deserve to feel like yourself.

Learn How To Access Your Happy Chemicals is a practical PDF resource covering all four neurochemicals, evidence-informed strategies for each, and printable affirmation cards, including blank ones for you to write your own. [Download it here for $9.]